I sit back and I think about all the times in my life that I answered the question who are you? Every time I answered the question there was a common theme. The answer was related to the common them of what I do for a living. Not simply what I do at the present moment but what I had done or plan to do in the future. If the answer was not work related it was almost certainly a father, Christian, son or something along those lines. Although I believe that all of that stems from who you are at the very core it simply is not who I am.
So then who the heck are you? Who am I? What are we doing here on this earth? Honestly how did I begin to start thinking about all of this again. A phone call. A simple phone call. I was asked a question and it was financial one and it hurt because I am not where I envisioned myself. More than anything I began to think about how I was going to turn around my financial situation so I can clean all this up. So I can get to a point of stability again and be more in control of the things that happen in my life. As I began to churn all the ideas of where to work, how to earn the money, began weighing the pros and cons of each I stopped. I stopped because I realize that I have been down this road a million times. In my life I have made money been financially secure, I lived paycheck to paycheck but got by, and I have been dirt poor. The common item every time is that I was never content where I was at. I always wanted more of what I didn’t have. It was not money that I was chasing. I was good at that. I seem to make that work. Now this time it is not working and I have not turned it around. I think that it has something to do with I know how I will feel when I get to this somewhere. I will still feel empty. I will still feel like something is missing if I don’t realize that what I do, what I will do, what I have done or my current practical life circumstances do not define me.
I received a message from a friend that stated that we may never know exactly who we are. That may be true or it may not. Another states that we will know the moment we find God’s purpose for us and never look back. That may or may not be true. If it is it is certainly not a painless journey. That is not what I am looking for at all. Another friend whom I have been in conversation with a lot takes Tolle’s stance in we are given “Right Now.” If that is all we are promised then we should be present in that moment. I am reading that book now and it makes a lot of sense and there are many good points. The one that I am beginning to understand is the difference between clock time and psychological time. Clock time referring to accomplishing practical life matters within a reference time and psychological time referring to being present in the moment. I have lived much of my 32 years in psychological time. Even as I was accomplishing clock time tasks I was in the past or future.
I think that we all want to love and be loved. In fact, we are called to love others in this life. The situation that arises and why I think that it is so difficult is that we have to love ourselves first. In order to love others we must love ourselves and be secure in “who we are” not “what we do.” Two individuals that do not love themselves hoping to find security and comfort in another is a recipe for disaster. One of the reasons I think that the divorce rate is high. Looking for validation in another human when you have not accepted or learned to love yourself. Learning to love yourself is not easy. Our examples many times do not know how to model this or simply don’t love themselves either. It can be a vicious cycle.
I am coming to the conclusion, this is merely my opinion, that in order to know who you are you must first know how to love yourself where you are at. When you learn to be present and content in the present, never too high or too low, your actions will be from deep within. They will be driven by the spirit that resides inside of you. Your actions will no longer be a calculation of what you should do to reach this point or that point. To make up for what you have done in the past, a course correction if you will. You were created exactly as you should have been created but we let life get in the way. We stop “going with our gut” and we start going with the opinions of our 1500 closest facebook friends. I am only speaking for myself when I see that I need to learn to start with home plate and venture out not start out in left field and try to make my way home. That is when I think I will figure out who I am exactly and as far as knowing that will take care of itself.