I have found myself exploring alone a lot lately. I started to think about why I spend so much time by myself. I was thinking that it could be for a variety of reasons. I explored this concept a while back. It was the concept of “being comfortable in silence.” In fact, I have this saying tattooed on my body. At the time that I was exploring this concept I was in survival mode. I was trying to understand a world that seemed to be standing still for me and moving rapidly for others. I was trying to wrap my head around the concept that I may be alone for a long time. Now, as a I sit alone at a coffee shop by choice I begin to search for deeper meaning.
My first thought is that at a subconscious level I am preparing myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I am preparing to visit this life without a partner. I am exploring the thought that this could be what God has planned for me. He may want me to be a man that spreads his word. He may want me to go and teach. To be able to be mobile and not confined or bogged down by interest in another. He may want my head to stay clear to work on his purpose not mine. He may believe that I am better off not lost in Love. Maybe all the love that I could give he wants to be placed in him. It’s very possible that some people are not here to have a partner in life. It’s possible that they get one chance and that’s it. Maybe I had my opportunity. I never read about Paul and his lover. Not that I am of the stature of Paul but God uses the ordinary as well. Maybe just maybe that is my path.
However, I have a second thought. Maybe alone is my preparation for another day. Maybe I am supposed to take this time to get better at all the things with. Maybe I am given this ti8me to become a better version of me so that when given the opportunity at Love again I will be prepared. Maybe this is still my chance to heal. Maybe this is my opportunity to mend my heart in such a way that the next person gets all that I can give. I have a piece closed off. Basically a deserted Island of love that is untapped. It is unexplored and quite possibly could be amazing. It quite possibly may house the best of me. This part of my heart remains scared. This part of my heart never again wants to experience the pain of rejection. This part never again wants to hear the words you are not good enough for me anymore. I grew up with this idea that Love was forever. Then my parents divorced. This did not shatter that belief though. I still clung to this thought in my heart. One day I saw her across the way and I raced to her. I think the thought of losing her caused me to self sabotage. I think I spent an entire relationship trying not to lose. My sports days remind me that this is the worst way to play the game.
Exploring alone has been real. I watch people everywhere I go. Sometimes I see love, sometimes I see love of the verge of breaking, sometimes I see alone. I see it all. The married couple sitting across the way old gray and still holding hands like they met yesterday. I see the couples sitting together void of conversation and completely at peace in each others presence. I see new love blossoming, potential love incubating and tainted love imploding. What I see most though is a world designed to love. I see a world where love is the action verb that would set us all free. I see this world so clearly I can touch it. However, I still think that I may simply be that man looking into the snow globe from the outside looking in. I will continue to “Explore Alone” and someday I will find all my answers. I am inside the glass or outside………I am meant to be the one that shakes the globe up when all the snow settles.