Absent Intimacy

Intimacy is absent and not because of what you may think. It’s true I am alone. It’s true intimacy can’t exist without the presence of another. However, this is not why it’s missing. I’m not positive it’s ever been there. I’m not certain I actually could recognize it. Foreign is a word I could use to describe it. Alien. Unexplored. Estranged. Non-existent. Unexplored. Even immaterial. My life has existed too this point with relationships as a tool to define self value. If I can learn that this woman cares for me then I must be valuable. I must be worthy. That was the fun. The first time felt great but it immediately faded. My value and worth was tied up in the chase but once I knew I needed more. The question became how much am I worth. Are there more that will help reassure me. Was the last a fluke? Was I lucky? To conquer is not to create intimacy. If your wall is up. If your heart is guarded. If you remain unemotional and unattached you cannot be hurt. You also cannot create intimacy. Well my belief is you cannot because I have not. True intimacy has to have complete vulnerability, complete trust, risk, connection, presence, closeness and friendship. If I had it, which I may have, I lost it. It scared me to the core. Now it even scares me more. Without the help of alcohol to calm the nerves, to strip away the fear of rejection, and embolden my confidence what is left? That’s the question I’m left with. If it’s no longer a value check, it’s something real I seek, can I be everything I’ve dreamed of. Will she accept the truth of who I am. Every part of who I am. The father, the scars, the wounds, the competitiveness, the desire to chase dreams, the ups and the downs. The answers and the questions. Will I be accepted in a way that the two of us can be completely vulnerable and strip away the absence of intimacy. Strip it away and create present intimacy. Complete presence. Complete intimacy.