Am I a selfish Hypocrite? Maybe. Well Yes!

At this point I sit and ponder the fact that I may simply be a selfish hypocrite. I may be the very person that I used to get so frustrated to manage. I am the one that is full of God’s blessing and talents and abilities and is doing nothing with them. I would consider that a waste.

I had a friend or two in High School and I used to say to myself all the time if I had his natural ability I would not throw it away like he does. I was so envious of the natural athlete when I had to work so hard at things. No I know that I am the one that people look at and say things about. I know that people listen to what I say on Facebook and twitter and in my blog and say to themselves “what a hypocrite.” I ask myself is it hypocritical to know what to do, have the ability to do it, tell others they should strive to be the best they can be and do nothing yourself? The answer is yes! It is wasted talent and those that do not lead by example are not followed.

I say that I want to impact the lives of others in a positive way yet I have an Eeyore attitude about life right now. I am in a rut and stuck. I have been blessed with amazing people and opportunity and I sit on it in FEAR! I am bitter and full of anger over my situation and how it has come upon me in the last year. I have prayed and meditated and tried to let it go but I am honestly just mad. I am tired of being tired. I don’t want to start my career all over another time. However, I have too. I do not have a choice and it is the right thing to do.

Detrimental Dialogue was formulated because I needed a place to talk about how I was feeling. A place to talk myself through my own struggles. The goal was to get myself out of a dark place and hopefully help some others along the way. While doing so I have received some criticism that I am hypocrite or that I don’t walk my walk. Well I am saying to you all I am guilty. I am a broken hurt human being like you doing the very best I can to stay in motion. To stay moving forward. I am writing this because it hurts when someone questions my motive. It hurts worse when they are right. A few have questioned me and been wrong and it saddens me to know that I did not convey my purpose or thoughts well. Others have been right and I owe you an apology. You were there for me but I pushed away the help.

My last thought maybe for a while maybe not. I am discouraged about being real to the public right now. It may be time to put my head down and focus on a select few. This is where my thought leads. Why is it that so many of us seek the love of those who won’t, are incapable of, or simply do not care to love us back. We try so hard to get their approval and become so discouraged when we are shot down. All the while we have people who are loving on us and we are taking them for granted, maybe unintentionally. You see our actions are not loving actions. We are busy being hurt by those we seek the love from and we fail to give love to those that deserve it. I loved in Phoenix for 6 years and I never visited the Grand Canyon. Why? Because I thought that it would be there tomorrow. I moved back and now it is further from my grasp. I have found it a common re-occurence in my fallible life to push away those that are there for me. I take them for granted and think that they will always be there. One day they are gone and I wish to have them back. I am so caught up in myself and pleasing those I don’t know that I fail to please those that care.

I do suck. I am selfish. I am broken and hurt like so many others but I do have the desire to change! I do want to be better. I am trying to take action. I fail all the time and I regress but ultimately I know where I want to go. I am scared to open up in FEAR of being hurt. I am SCARED to go out and ask for the business because I am scared to be rejected. I have been living in fear and I have been projecting for a long time. I’m sorry to all those that I have let down and all those that thought I was more. I am not. I am a Selfish Hypocrite. One that will overcome and maybe just maybe someday be the man that so many believe I can be.

5 replies
  1. joe
    joe says:

    Way to go Matt! That’s so legitimate to feel down and to start looking within to figure it out – you are not alone! With Christ’s help we can overcome evil and do all things with His strength. He will help you (me too) become this man which follows not the flesh, but the Spirit, and in so doing overcomes adversity! You are a successful guy, and don’t let people you know get you descouraged, you can do it.

    Reply
  2. Ricardo Sierra
    Ricardo Sierra says:

    Nice blog post, and sometimes you have to melt into a pool of self disgust, pity and frustration. Most of us do this, from time to time, (they might not blog about it though!).

    However, most of us follow you on Facebook not to see you implode, but to see what you are going to do about it. That is where the real power is.

    I haven’t really read your blog much; a friend suggested I follow you and I see now that some of your posts have a Christian/Faith theme woven in, so I suppose you are a Christian of some genre.

    So, where is your faith? Where is the love of God in all of this? Where are your pastors and ministers to support and guide you through this dark time? You seem pretty alone in it all, and that is weird to me, because isn’t a major principle of the Church that Jesus is always with you, no matter what?

    I am not a practicing Christian, by the way. I was raised Catholic/Christian, but follow a more eclectic, non-dogmatic path now.

    When I hear many people go on and on about the power of Jesus and Christ and God in their lives, how great it is, etc, I sometimes wonder why they are so worried or concerned about other people believe them, or being converted, or choosing to follow in their footsteps. Usually when someone is that passionate about something, they are trying to sell me something, or they are trying to convince themselves of the same thing. Maybe a little of that happened here.

    No worries, though. All is forgiven, right? Instead, start from the ground up, but this time, don’t try to convince anyone. Don’t make it about anyone else, except you. And don’t make spiritual promises you can’t keep. (Like, “Dear Jesus, if you get me a job I will preach the gospel on the Golden Gate Bridge for forty days and forty nights.”) Seriously. Where does it say that in the Bible that that is the correct way to pray?

    Actually, I better be quiet. It seems like just about everything is in the Bible somewhere if you look hard enough, so I don’t want to blaspheme!

    Personally, you are in a dark time. But darkness isn’t bad. It is just different. The birds are still singing, the sky is blue, the sun is warm. Start small and find your way, step by step. Write if you want to. Find the things the nourish you. Really nourish you. Not something that pretends to nourish but actually takes away with the other hand….

    Don’t think in extremes, either. That is the way of madness. Be angry, if you are angry. Etc. but don’t let it mean more than that.

    You are a very sincere person who is trying to live a good way, share it with people and grow, and that is what comes across in your blog. or on Facebook. Don;t worry about us. Leave the fear and judgement to others, and just do your thing.

    Have a nice day.

    Reply
    • Matt Freeman
      Matt Freeman says:

      Thank you for your comments. They are very sincere and raise several valid points. I can appreciate your questions as I have had them myself. There are people around but I think that I tend to push them away or not ask for help. I am stubborn and prideful at times. I know this will not be the last time I reads what you have written. Again, I am very thankful to have read this.

      Reply
  3. sabrina kay sauce
    sabrina kay sauce says:

    LOL, Matt….you and I have way too much in common!!!!

    Although depression, self-doubt, fear, and self-loathing is certainly noting to joke about – it is in itself evil and EXACTLY where Mr. Evil himself wants you. He tarries about the boundaries of your world, quietly, waiting to pounce “…like a lion…”

    He’s getting to you.

    Allow me to paraphrase a great woman pastor and speaker, Joyce Meyer: “Get your mind off yourself” and what others might be thinking about you. “….because people are typically NOT thinking about you and what you’re doing…” “they’re too busy thinking about THEMSELVES”.

    Get out of your mind and get on GOD.

    While I commend your post, and your honesty – I do also think that we are ALL hypocrites.

    I am.

    You’re a smart mother-fucker. SMART.

    God gave you gifts…miracles in children, life, a roof, food, resources, perseverance, determination, BLESSINGS you could fill a legal pad of paper with!!

    So get the FUCK UP.

    And start over…God hasn’t taken your eys, arms, feet, health, or life.

    YET.

    Besides, I need you to be my Beachbody coach.

    From one hypocrite to another,
    Sabrina Kay Sauce
    🙂

    PS God provides a way out of any situation, even your trapped mind.

    Reply
  4. Jason McCormick
    Jason McCormick says:

    Matt,

    I cannot believe how much I needed to hear what you just to said and for that matter to SAY it.. confess it.. I have felt just the same this past year… and I really appreciate your honesty and transparency.

    Life is give and take… It’s now time to GIVE all you can of yourself in every way and let Go.. Let God work in your life and in the lives of those whom you impact.

    What a small world.. how your life and mine have traversed and followed a similar course.. We both met with Carey Crone in Santa Rosa, moved to the Sac area and now you are back in Santa Rosa… I don’t even know you all that well.. What I DO know of you is that you are a guy who has had some success, had some failures, and a man who has the courage to share his shortcomings and that to me makes you an incredible person and someone capable of being the leader I see you becoming. Matt you are a good man and I guess I know you.. now a lot more…

    Thank you for making it noble to admit failure.

    Jason
    “Proudly failing forward”

    Reply

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