At this point I sit and ponder the fact that I may simply be a selfish hypocrite. I may be the very person that I used to get so frustrated to manage. I am the one that is full of God’s blessing and talents and abilities and is doing nothing with them. I would consider that a waste.
I had a friend or two in High School and I used to say to myself all the time if I had his natural ability I would not throw it away like he does. I was so envious of the natural athlete when I had to work so hard at things. No I know that I am the one that people look at and say things about. I know that people listen to what I say on Facebook and twitter and in my blog and say to themselves “what a hypocrite.” I ask myself is it hypocritical to know what to do, have the ability to do it, tell others they should strive to be the best they can be and do nothing yourself? The answer is yes! It is wasted talent and those that do not lead by example are not followed.
I say that I want to impact the lives of others in a positive way yet I have an Eeyore attitude about life right now. I am in a rut and stuck. I have been blessed with amazing people and opportunity and I sit on it in FEAR! I am bitter and full of anger over my situation and how it has come upon me in the last year. I have prayed and meditated and tried to let it go but I am honestly just mad. I am tired of being tired. I don’t want to start my career all over another time. However, I have too. I do not have a choice and it is the right thing to do.
Detrimental Dialogue was formulated because I needed a place to talk about how I was feeling. A place to talk myself through my own struggles. The goal was to get myself out of a dark place and hopefully help some others along the way. While doing so I have received some criticism that I am hypocrite or that I don’t walk my walk. Well I am saying to you all I am guilty. I am a broken hurt human being like you doing the very best I can to stay in motion. To stay moving forward. I am writing this because it hurts when someone questions my motive. It hurts worse when they are right. A few have questioned me and been wrong and it saddens me to know that I did not convey my purpose or thoughts well. Others have been right and I owe you an apology. You were there for me but I pushed away the help.
My last thought maybe for a while maybe not. I am discouraged about being real to the public right now. It may be time to put my head down and focus on a select few. This is where my thought leads. Why is it that so many of us seek the love of those who won’t, are incapable of, or simply do not care to love us back. We try so hard to get their approval and become so discouraged when we are shot down. All the while we have people who are loving on us and we are taking them for granted, maybe unintentionally. You see our actions are not loving actions. We are busy being hurt by those we seek the love from and we fail to give love to those that deserve it. I loved in Phoenix for 6 years and I never visited the Grand Canyon. Why? Because I thought that it would be there tomorrow. I moved back and now it is further from my grasp. I have found it a common re-occurence in my fallible life to push away those that are there for me. I take them for granted and think that they will always be there. One day they are gone and I wish to have them back. I am so caught up in myself and pleasing those I don’t know that I fail to please those that care.
I do suck. I am selfish. I am broken and hurt like so many others but I do have the desire to change! I do want to be better. I am trying to take action. I fail all the time and I regress but ultimately I know where I want to go. I am scared to open up in FEAR of being hurt. I am SCARED to go out and ask for the business because I am scared to be rejected. I have been living in fear and I have been projecting for a long time. I’m sorry to all those that I have let down and all those that thought I was more. I am not. I am a Selfish Hypocrite. One that will overcome and maybe just maybe someday be the man that so many believe I can be.